Haha just a funny 'convo' Ben and I had yesterday, which I post so that I can look back at it in the future and laugh.

Somehow we were talking about how children are conceived...I dont remember the context of the conversation.

Emil (To Ben): You wanna know how you were conceived??? Daddy had a wet dream!
Ben: And mommy laid in it!
*Both of us burst out laughing for a good minute*


Maybe I should actually start that 6pg paper I have due tomorrow at noon....*sigh*

Emil's thoughts took float @ 5:17 PM

Funny, I never look at my previous post when I write so I have no idea how my feelings have 'progressed'. Right now I am in a low, not the deepest of lows, but its slapped me across the face. It has been a while sine I've written but I dont remember what I wrote about last. I went to see Children of Uganda with Kristen and was very happy for two reasons. One the show was great, and two I got to see it with Kristen. Although two made me sad afterwards. Love isn't just something that goes away and its really hard seeing the person you loved for a year and a half and still love now knowing that they dont want to know that you love them. In fact they avoid you because those are the feelings they dont want to see expressed from you. I can't say how much I miss Kristen because there just is no way to say it. I dream about her constantly and it leaves me sad. When I was with her at the show I just wanted to hold her hand and hug her. For all that I know she is repulsed by these ideas now. This depression comes and goes, but its always lingering. That being said I've gotten a lot closer w/ my housemates. I can actually hold conversations with them now and not feel like an outsider. Most of the time its just me, Steve and Michael at home. The joke we have is that Kens home more than Ben is, and Ken works 4 days a week. That only means that the 3 of us get to talk more and 'bond'. Michael I've been on good terms since the begining of the year, Steve bothered me a little in the begining of the year especially since I felt that Ben rather talk to him than me, which was true but whatever. But now Steve and I joke around a lot and talk and hes a really funny guy. One of the only people than can make me laugh despite all I feel. I now can hold conversations w/ Ken when before it was awkward, but now its better. Lol, Ben...well when hes around we talk, but hes not around much. We joke around every now and then but hes just leading a hardcore Newman life (it IS his job/ministry afterall, cant blame him for that). Weekends are the best because we all do stuff together atleast one day. My old friends think I'm a Newman-ite now, but I really dont know anyone there. I'm not a very outgoing and social guy. It takes a long time for me to build trust in people to the point where I can easily hold coversations with them and joke around. I rarely see my old friends... not that theyre my old friends but I've distanced myself from them because I cant help but view them as 'Kristen's friends'. And this whole post comes down the the point that in a week it will be Valentines day and I do not want that day to come. I dont want to be here or anywhere. I want to be nowhere...gone. I dont care in what state, just gone. This quarter is hard enough academically on me, but when the emotional stuff gets thrown in it slams down on me like a hammer beating on an anvil. Most people assume I'm doing fine and that I've 'gotten over it' but no one cares to really find out how I'm doing. Thats not even the point, because I dont even feel like I would trust anyone really to tell them how I'm doing. Everyone at this apartment has their own relationship woes to hear mine. With the exception of Stacey, I dont really feel like I have the same friendship with my old friends as I use to. I have so many questions for Aubree and Nicole, but I cant bring myself to ask them the questions. For the past month, and right now I just feel and emotional claustrophobia which is closing in on me and wearing on me mentally, physically, and emotionally.

Emil's thoughts took float @ 4:49 PM